A Scumbag's Guide to Staying Alive
Somebody in the tavern has to ask 'what's in it for me?' while the heroes chase destiny. He's the selfish, practical part of me I used to be ashamed of, and he's kept me alive.
Some hero's gotta save the world, some king has gotta rule
Some sad-sack's gotta cry about the trauma he got in school
They're all caught up in destiny, in honor and in grace
I'm just trying to make sure I don't get eaten by this place
They're talking 'bout their "purpose," their "journey," and their "soul"
I'm just trying to figure out how to get this sweet roll
'Cause somebody's gotta be the scumbag
Somebody's gotta say "What's in it for me?"
Somebody's gotta point out that your noble quest for glory
Doesn't pay the goddamn bill for the beer that isn't free
So go on and save the princess, go on and fight the war
Just make sure you get some loot before you hit the floor
'Cause a dead hero's just a story, a sad and stupid song
But a scumbag with a full-heal potion's never dead for long
They'll tell you that it's selfish, they'll tell you that it's wrong
To think about your HP when you're singing a sad song
They'll tell you that you're broken, a cynic and a jerk
'Cause you'd rather have a warm bed than a thankless piece of work
But when the dragon's breathing fire, and the lich is casting spells
It's funny how they all start screaming for the guy who saves himself
'Cause somebody's gotta be the scumbag
Somebody's gotta say "What's in it for me?"
Somebody's gotta point out that your noble quest for glory
Doesn't pay the goddamn bill for the beer that isn't free
So go on and save the princess, go on and fight the war
Just make sure you get some loot before you hit the floor
'Cause a dead hero's just a story, a sad and stupid song
But a scumbag with a full-heal potion's never dead for long
So here's the lesson, listen up, it's simple and it's true
The first person you've gotta save in this whole damn world is you
'Cause if you're out of mana, and your health is in the red
You're no damn good to anyone, you might as well be dead
Yeah, somebody's gotta be the scumbag
Somebody's gotta say "What's in it for me?"
Somebody's gotta point out that your noble quest for glory
Doesn't pay the goddamn bill for the beer that isn't free
So go on and save the princess, go on and fight the war
Just make sure you get some loot before you hit the floor
'Cause a dead hero's just a story, a sad and stupid song
But a scumbag with a full-heal potion's never dead for long
Yeah, never dead for long!
'Cause I got the potion!
Now where's my beer?